Originally published in the RAHA News, October 2003

If I had to list the books that have defined me as I’ve attempted to mature into an adult, I would have three on there that might surprise people: Raising Your Spirited Child, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry. It may seem strange, but parenting books have done so much to teach me how to understand myself and relate to others that I can’t imagine being the person I am today without them. Of course, I regularly reread them because I have not mastered their content (I’m still working on growing up, maybe I’ll get there in another forty years!)

Particularly taxing parenting challenges sent me back to my “basics” last week. As I was browsing through How to Talk, I made it all the way to the back of the book where Faber and Mazlish write about praise. Their words about praise were the first that I encountered (probably twelve years ago) that made me re-evaluate praise and what praise is exactly. They begin by talking about the importance of the child’s self-esteem:

 “Certainly all the principles and skills we’ve talked about so far can help a child see himself as a person of worth. Each time we show respect for his feelings, each time we offer him a chance to make a choice, or give him a chance to solve a problem, he grows in confidence and self-esteem.
 “How else can we help our children build a positive and realistic self-image? Surely praising them would seem to be another part of the answer. But praise can be tricky business. Sometimes the most well-meant praise brings about surprising reactions.”

  They continue with an exercise that demonstrates some of these “surprising reactions” which include:

· Praise can make you doubt the praiser.

· Praise can lead to immediate denial.

· Praise can be threatening.

· Praise can force you to focus on your weaknesses.

· Praise can create anxiety and interfere with activity.

· Praise can also be experienced as manipulation.

 I have a silly example from my own family. I told my mom that the girls and I were appearing on the evening news as part of a story about VBAC births. Her response: “Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you! I always knew you’d have your own TV show!” Sigh.

 Faber and Mazlish go on to explain that helpful praise really has two components:
“1. The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels.
“2. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.”

 For me, the remarkable aspect of Faber and Mazlish’s approach is that it requires being truly present with the person you are trying to express appreciation to. “It’s a matter of really looking, really listening, really noticing and then saying aloud what you see and what you feel.” As a busy mom, being present in the moment with my daughters and their immediate agendas and needs is a real challenge in the midst of all the distractions (real and imagined). And, this requirement to be truly attending to my children has necessitated tremendous personal and spiritual growth on my part. Thus is the gift of parenting returned back to me many fold.

 Giving my daughters this kind of quality attending has put many deposits in what Dr. Sears (in his many parentig books) refers to as their “emotional banks”.  Faber and Mazlish refer to the emotional bank account, too: “All of [this observation of his capabilities] goes into his emotional bank and can’t be taken away. You can take away ‘good boy’ by calling him ‘bad boy’ the next day. But you can’t ever take away from him [acknowledged accomplishments.]… These moments, when his best was affirmed, become lifelong touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt and discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of. He has it within him to do it again.”

 Note that they do not say “In the past he did something his parents were proud of.” How many times each day do I remind myself that my children are not here to make me proud, that they are here to grow into their own beings and fulfill their own purpose in the world, making THEMSELVES proud? Ack! Yet again I discover that it’s not about me! But, again, the gift is that I can go about my business doing things that will make me proud of myself, that nurture my self-esteem, instead of transferring all of that effort, investment and burden onto my children.

 Don’t get me wrong: I am so proud of my kids most of the time that it makes me feel like I’ll explode with feeling and pleasure. But, I try to remember to offer them appreciative observations of their efforts so that they can feel their own pride and not get it all confused with mine.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, January 2015

You know the expression: you are what you eat. Native Americans who lived in the Northeast believed they were one with the deer because venison was a primary food source. The corn, squash and beans were referred to as the Three Sisters because they provided a full range of nutrients. The Native Americans knew this centuries before nutritional science broke our molecular needs down into proteins, fats, carbohydrates and minerals.

In our modern health quest, there are many food “systems” we can turn to for guidance: blood type diets, ayurvedic, macrobiotic, raw food, inflammation-reducing diets, cleanses, Paleo, low-carb, no-carb, etc. How does one choose?

Unless your doctor has given you a medically-prescribed diet for a specific condition, there are a few guidelines that give you a good place to start.

1.       Be mindful about food

Are you aware of what you eat? This may sound obvious, but it can be a surprisingly complex question to answer. Marketers depend on emotional food associations to sell us things we wouldn’t choose to ingest otherwise. Do you make a conscious choice about every item in your grocery basket? Do you make a conscious choice every time food goes in your mouth?

2.       Buy local seasonal foods from growers you know who use organic (or close to organic) growing methods.

Among folk healers there is a strong belief that Nature’s local offerings provide the best remedies for seasonal diseases, that the soil and its produce contain what we need for the health challenges that present as we move through the seasons. Eat local apples, carrots, beets, kale, and cabbage through the cold months instead of citrus brought from warmer climates. As regulations regarding what can be labeled as organic change, it can be challenging to know what it means that a product is labeled “organic.” Organic growing processes have changed as large corporations move into the organic boom. Getting to know your grocer or farmer means you can get answers about how the food is produced. You may decide to choose a “mostly organic,” Integrated Pest Management, or “low or no antibiotic” food item from a farmer you know over an ambiguously organic item from a corporate farm in Chile or California.

3.       If you must buy prepackaged food, buy foods with ingredients you recognize and can pronounce.

For those of us who aren’t food scientists this guideline keeps us away from mystery chemicals. We need foods that the body can break down, use to maintain health and eliminate. Mystery chemicals can be wild cards in a system that, while miraculous in its ability to sustain us, can become unbalanced by chemicals that don’t naturally occur in food.

By using these guidelines as you approach what you eat, you can feed your cells the best fuel and give your body the nutritional resources best suited for building and maintaining your amazing physical structure. Every molecule in your body comes from what you take in as breath or food. You are what you eat.