As people relating with other people, especially as parents or heath care providers, we can nourish one another by facilitating joy.

Joy is food for our self-healing abilities; it is the fuel for our learning abilities. Joy is what gives us resilience. If we lose track of the joy in our lives, then it becomes harder to heal from everyday living. We need joy to recover from traumatic events. Recent research by the HeartMath Institute has shown that while meditating can help us feel more calm and safe, feelings of joy and delight are what make it possible to heal and renew.

One of the most important conversations I have with my clients is about resources. I use the word resources to refer to the people, places and things that nourish or foster joy. I ask them “Where do you find joy in your day?” Some people can access joy easily. They know where their joy is and can access it well. Others sit quietly and slowly realize that it has been a while since they have felt joy. Maybe it has been so long they aren’t sure where to find it. In the movie “City Slickers” Billy Crystal’s wife tells him to “Go find your smile” when he appears to have lost track of his joy. Other people respond too quickly: they assume their joy is in the same places they have always been, or maybe where they think they should be, but is that really where they find joy today?

My resources can be my husband (sometimes), my kids (sometimes), my dog (almost always), my cats (almost always), and quilting (usually). But small animals, babies, beautiful sunsets, and watching bugs pollinate my garden always bring me joy and delight. These are my personal sources of the joy found in delight.

We also need social resources. The feeling of being in a supportive community, part of a clan, or a contributing member of a team can provide a profound sense of the joy felt in satisfaction. We can play as we dance, sing, cook and eat together.

Health care providers become a social resource for the client. As I begin a treatment, my hope is that my caring demeanor and loving hands allow the client to feel safe, creating the opportunity for their body to settle deeply long enough to allow them to access their joy.

I use the example of a bucket when I talk about replenishing our body’s resources. We all have a bucket that represents our capacity for handling the difficulties/stresses/traumas that come our way. Some people have small buckets and some people have large buckets and most of us are somewhere in between.

Costly feelings, such as anger, disdain and sadness, deplete the resources in our bucket, they activate our sense of “not safe” and cause our body to fight, flee or freeze.  They are not “bad” feelings. Indeed, they are necessary for our full participation in life, but they do cost us resources to experience them.

Neutral feelings don’t change the resources in our bucket. We feel safe in the moment, calm, peaceful and meditative. While I would hypothesize that, if we experience neutral feelings as a discipline over time (like a meditation practice) then that discipline can make our bucket slightly larger and sturdier, according to HeartMath neutral feelings don’t replenish our resources. They also don’t use them up. We could say that neutral feelings prepare the way for joy.

Replenishing feelings like joy, delight, happiness and gratitude refill the bucket. They allow our autonomic nervous system to reset to levels that allow healing and repair activities to function efficiently.

When we are looking at another person, it is important to see them as a whole. If all we notice are the parts that aren’t working well, then we are missing the vast majority of the person: the parts that work perfectly 24/7 like a well-tuned machine. Holding this wellness in our awareness, while noticing the parts that might need some assistance, is a way of acknowledging the person’s resources. Instead of asking “How can I fix you?” We might ask, “How can I be present with you in your experience in a way that allows your healthy parts to give resources to the parts that are feeling overwhelmed?” This does not mean that we only allow “good” feelings, it means we are there to be a resource for the person as they process the difficult feelings. They can feel the joy of being cared for as they also feel sadness or grief or disappointment.

Maintaining a broad perspective allows us to see more than a small piece of the person. When we allow ourselves to see the whole person (not just the part with a complaint or a part we find lacking) we gain access to resources that are nurturing to the whole person. When we see the whole person we tap into compassion and the joy of connection, allowing us both to deepen into greater well-being, refilling the bucket.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, May 2015

When my daughters were small, I insisted that we have “quiet time” every day at 3:00. We would lie down on the sofa or on my bed. Sleep was not required. The girls could look at picture books until they were old enough to read on their own. Sometimes I turned on Mr. Rogers at 4:00 because I needed his calming presence, but there was no other TV. It was quiet time.

Many years have passed, but I still value quiet time. Medical and therapeutic professionals of all kinds are approached by clients overwhelmed by to do lists – all of the important must-do’s and must-see’s of contemporary life. It can be difficult to persuade people who feel that there will never be enough hours in the day to take half an hour and do nothing.

But doing nothing actually is a very important doing something for your mind and body. It doesn’t have to be called meditation and it doesn’t require any special techniques. Sitting quietly for twenty minutes and just noticing (without judgement) all of the thoughts that parade through your head can be educational: just notice what happens. Researchers have found that if you combine that with focusing on your heartbeat, the nervous system settles and it is easier to feel happiness, joy and gratitude in the face of what felt overwhelming before.

Most people feel the need to prove their worth through productivity. Many have more work to do than they could ever accomplish. But we are not human ”do-ings” we are “human beings”. It may feel counterintuitive, but taking the time to be, without doing, can make us more productive overall.

Some people find taking quiet time difficult because their mind and body can’t sit still. Start with some gentle stretching, or have your quiet time while walking. No headphones! Just quiet.

So the next time you are feeling like a gerbil on its wheel, don’t just do something, sit there. Give yourself the gift of quiet time.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, February 2015

Most health articles focus on what you put into, do to, or do with your body.  In addition to eating good food and getting regular exercise, you maintain a heathy body by fostering healthy social connections. Community relationships help us process difficult moments with resilience, allowing stress to leave the body instead of creating a chronic toxic environment. Community relationships also keep our social and intellectual skills growing and changing, allowing our brains to age with more agility.

Stress is regulated in the body by the autonomic nervous system (ANS). Until recently the ANS was thought to have two main parts: the fight or flight branch and the rest and digest branch.   Researcher Stephen Porges has discovered a third branch that monitors and responds to vocalizations and nonverbal cues from the people around us. According to Porges, this “tend and befriend” branch is the most recently evolved part of the ANS. When we experience a stressful event, we first look to the people around us for a compassionate response. If we are able to make a compassionate connection with another person in the initial moments of stress, then the stress response can dissipate. The body senses safety and can enter its healing mode.

Even people who consider themselves shy or introverted need intimate moments with people who are considered safe to process stress. We find these intimate relationships in a number of places: family, school, church, workplace, neighborhood, etc.  We can turn to health care professionals after the fact if we have a chronic issue.  But in an emergency we can benefit from a warm, loving and caring response from a stranger if that is the only person we have available.

When I was seven years old I was in a car crash within a mile of my home. My mother’s car was hit by a drunk driver right next to the baseball field where the neighborhood boys were playing. It was a bad crash and my mother was badly hurt. Right after the crash the boys came to the car and helped me and my little sisters out. The secretary from my elementary school lived across the street. She sat with me and my sisters as we watched the ambulances come and take my mother and the other driver away.

Because of the safety offered to me by the secretary’s kindness, what might have been a terrifying moment for me became manageable. The initial adrenaline surge of the crash moment was able to dissipate because my body was able to settle and feel safe. If I had felt unsafe, the adrenaline would have continued to surge, keeping my body in a fight or flight state or overwhelming me completely until I froze or disassociated.

Heart health researchers have found that feeling compassion and expressing kindness is good for the heart. Now Porges has found that being on the receiving end of that kindness and compassion ends the stress response. Compassion is our healthful gift to each other.