Written in 2007

I want to address the child who is avoidant. Elsa has assiduously avoided math. We have had many many moments of the two of us battling over this. I gave up, we hired tutors, worked with friends. Nothing has taken. But Elsa knows she must do some official math so she can get to where she wants to go in life. Next year she'll be addressing that at MCC. One could accuse her of being delayed, or us of being negligent, but I truly believe that Elsa's ability to
grasp spatial concepts is fine, she just doesn't compute well. She'll find a way to deal with this. (She seems to be doing fine with the cash register at Cold Stone Creamery.)

But Elsa's situation is different from a child who has "issues". I have seen children reluctant to take on writing because they weren't  comfortable with producing a a "less than perfect" product. This has more to do with personality than ability. Again, using Elsa as an example, despite the ridicule she has received for her abysmal (but vastly improved) spelling and grammar she has posted stories for family and friends, because she cannot stop herself from expressing
her ideas. She is compelled to write, so she doesn't care about the errors. (Sometimes they make the story more interesting!) Elsa is not shy about putting her ideas out in the world. A child who expresses that they find writing difficult or impossible may be struggling with the exposure of putting a part of themselves on paper. I know of one
child who wouldn't show her writing to friends or family, but had a large online community that she wrote very prolifically for. She needed the anonymity to feel safe expressing herself. Not because her family was unreceptive, but because of her own stuff (which she appears to have outgrown).

What I used to tell my kids when I "compelled" them to do things was "Please do this so I can feel comfortable with what we're doing about your education. This is because I need it, regardless of whether you feel the need to do it." This worked because I kept those items to a very small number and because my girls are generally pretty compliant,
even if they grumble the entire time they are complying. I do have to add that whenever I took on the demeanor of "we're having a wonderful learning moment!" my daughters ran away. They really did not like the idea of doing "fun learning activities". They really have enjoyed the times when I shared things that genuinely interested me, or that I
thought might genuinely interest them.

Written around 2006

I spend a lot of time with children who seem exceptional - how could it be that most of the children I know are "exceptional"? (It's like being in Lake Wobegon!)

So I've decided that most of these children are fortunate enough to be members of exceptional families. Their parents are at least one of the following: very well educated, very thoughtful, financially secure, very available for both quantity and quality time. Praising my girls for what appears to me to be their extraordinary gifts feels silly when they're surrounded by children with extraordinary gifts. And when my kids go out into the world they're going to be in settings where they will encounter other children who come from such blessed backgrounds. What gives them the chutzpah they'll need to feel they can hold their own out in the world? I don't think that believing you are a "good" or "worthy" person is enough. Every child needs to grow up knowing that they can meet a difficult task, struggle with frustration and hard work (emotional, physical or intellectual), and then be rewarded with the satisfaction of making it through to the end of the process with or without success. Sometimes failure is a worthy accomplishment. If they can learn that, then they will not fear encountering something they cannot do.

I think that is one of my most important roles for Maggie and Elsa is to be their cheerleader. As a cheerleader it doesn't make a lot of sense to tell the team that they are strong or that they can throw the ball better than anyone else. Cheerleaders tell the team to keep going, to keep pushing, to keep their eyes on the prize.

This week I had the privilege of talking with a wise mom whose two sons are now grown. The boys were not "easy" and all three of them made mistakes, but she talked about how she was careful to help her sons find their own goals and support them in working hard toward those goals. The rewards came not from her (the parent), but from making progress, reassessing, and continuing to work as the goals and paths changed. These men are so lucky to have such a cheerleader in their court!

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, August 2015

Prior to getting pregnant I had no need to interact with health care providers except for annual exams. More than 25 years ago, when I got the ecstatic news that my husband and I were going to have a baby, I was fortunate to be a relatively healthy person doing a very normal thing: growing and giving birth to a baby, but I was unprepared for the choices I needed to make about staying healthy and getting the best care possible during pregnancy.

According to Amy Haas, a Rochester-area independent childbirth educator for almost twenty years, "Pregnancy is a natural alternative state for a woman's body, but it does place stress on us.  So we have to work to stay healthy and low risk.  It is important to focus on what is in our control, such as diet, exercise, avoidance of harmful substances, and education."

Pregnancy and birth are not without their risks. Although deaths are rare, birth is still an event that carries us close to life and death consequences. Obstetric medical doctors and certified nurse midwives are trained to watch for risks and use interventions as needed.

However, unless the mother or baby is diagnosed with a health risk (such as diabetes or congenital malformations) most of the time these interventions are not required. Birth attendants can be trained to practice evidence-based care while they monitor the birthing mother, using interventions only when medically necessary. Avoiding unnecessary episiotomies, epidurals, vacuum extractions and c-sections helps to keep both baby and mother as healthy as possible as they enter the next phase of natural child-rearing: breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is more successful when mother can move around comfortably and baby is not drowsy. Some interventions (such as routine suctioning) can interfere with the baby’s instincts for sucking properly on the nipple.

Advocating for your baby’s optimal health begins as soon as the mother knows she is pregnant. Choosing a trusted care provider to guide the family through the natural process of bringing a new member into the world is the first of many choices that impact the long term health of the whole family. There is a lot of information to take in about the different styles of obstetric care during pregnancy and delivery.  Here are good places to start:

Rochester Area Birth Network: www.rabn.org

Evidence-Based Birth: evidencebasedbirth.com