Originally appeared in the RAHA News, October 1998           

For me, a way of being gentle with my children is believing in their innate goodness and ability to grow. Like most parents, I get anxious when my children do not achieve milestones according to the traditional schedule. If one of them does something that I perceive as "not right," it takes an effort for me to have faith that they will not grow up to be unintelligent, immoral delinquents.
                  While I can guess at the reasons why our children take their time to develop some skills, the reasons aren't the relevant point. The important thing is that a gentle parent allows the child to set the pace of their own growth, knowing that the child's natural state is to grow toward their greatest potential. This does not mean that we just stand by and watch. There are times when it is  most helpful for us to hand them a new tool, or show them a different approach, or give helpful guidelines. There have been times when my girls have needed a loving nudge toward a goal I knew they were ready for, but they were still hesitant about. There have been times when they weren't ready even after my nudge. Then we waited some more.
                It is not easy to be gentle in this way. My first instinct is to crush my kids, then manage them. Or another favorite of mine seems to be to ignore parenting for a few minutes. Gentleness requires patience and attentiveness. It is not convenient to be gentle. It is easier to bully than to make a game of something my child does not want to do.
I have been most fortunate to have many role models of gentle parenting around me. This was the result of sheer luck, no intelligent choice on my part! Without the examples of my friends, I never would have been able to trust that my children really would mature if given the time and space. I think we forget that this one of RAHA's most vital roles. I have needed to witness the growth of the children in other families in order to trust in my own. I think our vision supports this role and it makes our organization unique. It also means that many people need a lot of time to get used to what we're trying to advocate. So I thank my friends who have inspired me and shown me the way. None of us are perfect, but knowing that it is possible for a bunch of us at least some of the time makes gentle parenting an attainable goal instead of an elusive ideal.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, February 2015

Most health articles focus on what you put into, do to, or do with your body.  In addition to eating good food and getting regular exercise, you maintain a heathy body by fostering healthy social connections. Community relationships help us process difficult moments with resilience, allowing stress to leave the body instead of creating a chronic toxic environment. Community relationships also keep our social and intellectual skills growing and changing, allowing our brains to age with more agility.

Stress is regulated in the body by the autonomic nervous system (ANS). Until recently the ANS was thought to have two main parts: the fight or flight branch and the rest and digest branch.   Researcher Stephen Porges has discovered a third branch that monitors and responds to vocalizations and nonverbal cues from the people around us. According to Porges, this “tend and befriend” branch is the most recently evolved part of the ANS. When we experience a stressful event, we first look to the people around us for a compassionate response. If we are able to make a compassionate connection with another person in the initial moments of stress, then the stress response can dissipate. The body senses safety and can enter its healing mode.

Even people who consider themselves shy or introverted need intimate moments with people who are considered safe to process stress. We find these intimate relationships in a number of places: family, school, church, workplace, neighborhood, etc.  We can turn to health care professionals after the fact if we have a chronic issue.  But in an emergency we can benefit from a warm, loving and caring response from a stranger if that is the only person we have available.

When I was seven years old I was in a car crash within a mile of my home. My mother’s car was hit by a drunk driver right next to the baseball field where the neighborhood boys were playing. It was a bad crash and my mother was badly hurt. Right after the crash the boys came to the car and helped me and my little sisters out. The secretary from my elementary school lived across the street. She sat with me and my sisters as we watched the ambulances come and take my mother and the other driver away.

Because of the safety offered to me by the secretary’s kindness, what might have been a terrifying moment for me became manageable. The initial adrenaline surge of the crash moment was able to dissipate because my body was able to settle and feel safe. If I had felt unsafe, the adrenaline would have continued to surge, keeping my body in a fight or flight state or overwhelming me completely until I froze or disassociated.

Heart health researchers have found that feeling compassion and expressing kindness is good for the heart. Now Porges has found that being on the receiving end of that kindness and compassion ends the stress response. Compassion is our healthful gift to each other.