Written in 2002

In response to a homeschooling dad who worried that his kids were missing out because our homeschooling group didn't have "an official logo, seal, colors and mascot."

Regardless of what I say next, please note that I find your concern about your kids touching and typical of the homeschooling parent. We all want to be sure we haven't deprived our kids of anything with our choice to homeschool.

When I talk about homeschooling at work, or in social groups, or with family members, I am always careful to point out that homeschooling is not necessarily BETTER than school. You trade one set of experiences for a different set of experiences. While we could debate which of the schoolish experiences it would be fun to adapt to our situation (such as proms, clubs, government, choirs, athletics etc.) it's important to remember that we can't have all of the good stuff that goes with school and not go to school.

It may also be time to point out that while RAHA does have a logo and is compelled by its constitution to have monthly meetings, publish a newsletter, and stay on top of homeschooling political events, RAHA has been very careful to limit what the organization does and empower its members to do whatever they feel compelled to organize for their family. This has been oversimplified in the phrase: "RAHA doesn't do anything, RAHA families do EVERYTHING." What this means is that you can use the RAHA name to organize events if you find it helpful, you can use the newsletter to disseminate information, you can come to meetings to drum up support, but RAHA will not take ownership of much, and when they do it is a very slow and deliberate event.

You say that there is a "sense of isolation and extreme privacy inherent in homeschooling." That runs directly contrary to my experience. I don't know how long your family has been in RAHA, but perhaps you are recent members and your family is still discovering the many different ways to be active within the group. My family actually suffers from activity overload. There is no way we can see all of the people we want to see and do all of the things we want to do. See past issues of the newsletter for more info on how RAHA members get connected. As for privacy, I find that society at large feels that my family's educational and lifestyle choices are open for comment. What we do is right out there for all of the neighbors and relatives to see.

Now on to the issue of belonging...Yes, it is fun to feel like I belong. Where do I feel that? (Keep in mind that I am a painfully shy, rejection-fearing neurotic regardless of any appearances to the contrary, so we could ask Does Mary Joan ever feel like she belongs?) When I feel that sense of belonging it is usually at home with my family, when I am with my close friends (and after ten years in RAHA and forty years of life I have a good number of those), driving around Rochester feeling happy to be here, or when I am part of a group that openly excludes others and has chosen me. Did everybody read that last one? Read it again.

Yes, I have an adolescent streak that would delight in being part of an exclusive club that requires special clothes, hand signals, secret rites and rituals, mascots, songs, the whole clubby, my team's better than your team bit. I wore a varsity jacket in high school (that I earned, not my studly athlete boyfriend's), I went to to the prom, and (gasp) I was a cheerleader. I was part of National Honor Society and Varsity Club, both of which you had to get voted into. Were there fun things that were part of all that? Yes, but the whole notion of my group is better than your group, my team is better than your team encourages competitive behavior as well as creating (what I feel to be a false sense of) community.

I treasure that my children feel like they are part of a community, not a school, club or gang. It might be fun if someone made RAHA t-shirts, but beyond that I would use caution. When you get into mascots and colors, you're talking not only about broadcasting that you belong to something, but that others don't. I believe that many of us (me included) crave the sensation of being part of a group that is select and has chosen us, but how much of that comes from experiences that taught us we didn't belong, we didn't make the cut? It could be said that ALL families homeschool, after all.

I believe that our greatest challenge (and greatest payoff) as homeschooling parents is that we have to create our own community for our kids. We have to help them (because of logistics, interests, etc.) find their niche. A true niche doesn't need to be broadcast with cheers and jackets, it's something one feels inside of one's self when one pursues one's true nature.

But don't let what I've said stop you. As a family you have only your time and pocketbook and energy as the limits, and there may be many other homeschooling families out there who have been hoping for a similar opportunity. Have fun!

Written in February 2006

My dear friend Beth Garrigus, who now lives in the Southwest, used to say that living lies in the conflict. I thought she was nuts: why would one seek out conflict? Given that Beth is one of the least conflict-inducing people I know, after a bit of reflection I saw that she meant that personal growth comes from confronting an existing conflict; knowing how to bear witness to conflict with an open heart and mind.; being able to hold a safe and sacred space for those who are rubbing against each other, knowing that a peaceful mutually satisfying solution can exist.

I have another friend who believes that no person should ever offend another person, and I am married to a man who believes that no person should ever take offense because of another person. I believe the truth lies in the middle: people who feel strongly about their beliefs can feel free to express them, but express those beliefs without judgement of those who believe differently; people who feel they are being attacked can take a moment to center themselves and determine what their own truth is and move from conviction of that truth or compassion for the different point of view. It can be exceedingly difficult to stay in a place of stillness when one feels attacked or when one feels the need to zealously promote.

I tend to be a promoter (bet you guessed already!) and I need to be careful that I don’t run people over with my passion and excitement. Homeschoolers can be passionate independent people, but sometimes we’re as independent as adolescents: we want a gang to be different with us; we want safety in a least a few others being on board. Hence we develop an us vs. them mentality: we’ll only hang out with people who eat macrobiotically, wear hemp clothes and only watch CBS Sunday morning on TV. We get excited when someone else shares our convictions and we close ourselves off. And then the most poisonous thought of all creeps in: if we stick to these basic beliefs our children will turn out right, they will be protected from the evils wrought by those who do not adhere to our beliefs.

Over the years I have been on the receiving end of such zealotry and I have had my zealot moments as well, but I learned my lesson early. I won’t share my first lesson in “my child will never…”, because it’s not polite conversation, so I’ll share the next time I couldn’t help myself. I was sitting at Hochstein and I watched a mom help her son unload a bass violin at the front door for his lesson. I said to the mommy next to me, “I’d never let my kids get into an instrument that was so expensive and difficult to move around.” So now (I swear it’s because I said “never let my kid”) Elsa plays the harp. Costly and unwieldy, but beautiful.

I also banned Barbies from my home (which made my mother-in-law desperate to buy my girls Barbies). Where do you think the first Barbie came from? At Elsa’s third birthday party, a homeschooler gave her a TEACHER Barbie of all things. This is what I have come to call “contamination”: your child picks up a toy, a habit, a desire, from a child in another family. Now that Maggie and Elsa are in their teens we have been contaminated and have done our share of contamination many times over. (Just a couple of weeks ago I, yes the adult me, turned two 13-year-olds onto the TV show Project Runway. Oh well.) Once we were contaminated with the Barbie bug, we had a Barbie plague which continued until quite recently.

However, what I have learned over the years is that none of the worries about the “right” way to raise a child or keeping certain things away from our children matter. When it comes to keeping our children on the path to becoming the most they can be, we need only two things: comfort with ourselves and the RAHA vision statement. In it are these words: “We are deeply devoted to our children and believe that their growth is best fostered in a child-led, rather than curriculum-driven, learning environment that is centered in the home and reaches out to explore the world around us.”

When we are comfortable with ourselves and the choices we make for our family, another family’s child or choices cannot be perceived as threatening to us. When we are deeply devoted to our children, they know they can ask us for whatever they need, and that we will help them fulfill that need in ways that are appropriate for them and our family. Because we are centered in the home and reach out to the world, we know that we can taste things that are new or alien and return to the sanctuary of our living space to renew and rejuvenate as needed.

I have learned to let my children show me what they need. For a while it was Barbies and dress-up clothes, then for a while it was the thought of cosmetology school, and then for another while it was how to get to a PhD in psychology. My daughters are social scientists and the world is their laboratory.

So I don’t take offense if another family questions my choices; I know they’ll be challenged by their kids, too. I don’t expect anyone to take offense at my choices: when I follow my kids’ dreams it is no reflection on what another family needs to do to follow their kids’ dreams.

Go forth and be the homeschoolers your family needs you to be. Take no offense at the homeschooling choices made by other families. Find the joy of living the life you were meant to live. And, be comfortable knowing that by going against the established norms you are creating waves of conflict. Be willing to sit with those whom you have agitated. Be a model of compassion and conduct civil discourse, but don’t be an apologist for your truth. Those waves of conflict will compel the educational tide to turn someday and embrace child-led learning instead of standardized cookie-cutter curricula. Stir things up and enjoy all of the different flavors homeschooling families can brew!

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, May 2015

When my daughters were small, I insisted that we have “quiet time” every day at 3:00. We would lie down on the sofa or on my bed. Sleep was not required. The girls could look at picture books until they were old enough to read on their own. Sometimes I turned on Mr. Rogers at 4:00 because I needed his calming presence, but there was no other TV. It was quiet time.

Many years have passed, but I still value quiet time. Medical and therapeutic professionals of all kinds are approached by clients overwhelmed by to do lists – all of the important must-do’s and must-see’s of contemporary life. It can be difficult to persuade people who feel that there will never be enough hours in the day to take half an hour and do nothing.

But doing nothing actually is a very important doing something for your mind and body. It doesn’t have to be called meditation and it doesn’t require any special techniques. Sitting quietly for twenty minutes and just noticing (without judgement) all of the thoughts that parade through your head can be educational: just notice what happens. Researchers have found that if you combine that with focusing on your heartbeat, the nervous system settles and it is easier to feel happiness, joy and gratitude in the face of what felt overwhelming before.

Most people feel the need to prove their worth through productivity. Many have more work to do than they could ever accomplish. But we are not human ”do-ings” we are “human beings”. It may feel counterintuitive, but taking the time to be, without doing, can make us more productive overall.

Some people find taking quiet time difficult because their mind and body can’t sit still. Start with some gentle stretching, or have your quiet time while walking. No headphones! Just quiet.

So the next time you are feeling like a gerbil on its wheel, don’t just do something, sit there. Give yourself the gift of quiet time.