When you see a picture of a pride of lions lolling about on the savannah, do you think, “Wow, such lazy creatures!” Of course not. Lions are smart. They save their effort for when they really need it.

As parents we are all asking, given our child's present ages/needs/desires, how can we facilitate their growth? When my daughters were very very small, a friend of mine chastised me for not signing Maggie up for preschool. She scolded, “You are not doing your job. How will she learn how to stand in a line and sit in a circle?” I was amazed by her questions. Really? I had to pay a lot of money (that we didn’t have) and deal with carting them about and taking part in activities, just so they could learn these basic things? My kids were already involved in two unstructured playgroups that were teaching them everything they needed to know at 2 and 4.  Just like the lions, our cubs practice in their play the same skills the adults use to survive.

Because our family sees the choices we’ve made as living choices, not schooling choices, we still ask the question, but the answers have changed drastically over the past few years. After being completely independent for a couple of years, Maggie decided to go to grad school, so we supported that goal by allowing her to live with us and being generally supportive as she completed her goal. Now that she is finished and employed, we helped her move out and now we encourage her to come home to visit and do laundry. Elsa lives in Columbus, so our ways of being supportive to her look very different.

How does this relate to being lazy? I don’t believe in creating more work for myself or anyone else. Life continues to present me with difficulties I choose to endure cheerfully because I really have no choice.  I have plenty of hard work to do in addition to all of the parts of my life that full of ease. And, for me, all of my parenting choices were about finding a way to meet our goals with ease and without unnecessary effort. Breastfeeding, family bed, child-led weaning, finding families to walk with on our journey, consulting families with older kids when I felt stymied; these are all ways that I found more ease-full than more conventional choices.

We live in a world that values striving, hard work, sacrifice, suffering and deprivation. If you’re not sweating with exertion then you’re not “fulfilling your potential.” In this world it is a chore to do everything and people will exhort you with their struggles, victories and busy-ness as badges of honor. One of my brothers-in-law said that his son needed to learn early that life was hard, that’s why he and his wife put their son in a rigorous kindergarten.

It is hard enough to be a parent without inflicting more difficulty on ourselves and our children. Believe me, life will throw back-breaking challenges at you regardless of what choices you make. Illness, a child’s learning differences, job problems, housing struggles, etc. will give you and your family plenty of opportunity to practice discipline and fortitude. Hard times also help us learn about community, strength and gratitude. We don’t have to avoid difficulty, just not feel obliged to undergo additional hardship because that’s what other people are doing. Education should be every child’s birthright, but it doesn’t need to be toilsome. As a parent, I found the school lifestyle arduous (we tried it for short periods when the girls were curious). When people exclaim, “How did you do it? That sounds like so much work!” I reply, “Having them in school was much harder! How did you manage?”

Almost all homeschooling parents went to school. We need to allow ourselves to be deschooled. That feeling that this can’t possibly be enough stems from the indoctrination we all continue to receive that traditional schooling must be a good and necessary thing or we wouldn’t spend so much time and money on it. I think my kids would have some interesting things to say about their own perceptions of “having got away with something” because they didn’t invest as many years in schooling as their peers did, but they would need to speak for themselves.

So how is my lion pride? In our family I can report that none of us are perfect, but we seem to be functional (for the moment). We all require help from others at times. We all appear to be mature adults capable of holding down a job, finding friends and community, and keeping reasonably healthy habits. We all have the ability to run fast after a wildebeest if we see one that we need. And when we’re not running, we know how to rest and play. Sounds like success to me.

Originally written for the Lilac Children's Garden Newletter, 1999

"Doing work that has to be done over and over again helps us to recognize the natural cycles of growth and decay, of birth and death, and thus become aware of the dynamic order of the universe"

-Fritjof Capra


What a favor we do for our children when we show them the joy of everyday tasks. Young children love to mimic us in our daily routines. Sharing the rewards of our daily work now will help them enjoy their maintenance duties when they get older. It may also teach them that the goal is not to be finished, but rather to determine the right balance of work, play, and rest. About six years ago I realized that even if I could afford a cleaning person, they would not organize my things, do the laundry or do the grocery shopping. I was amazed to discover that even if we were “rich” I probably wouldn’t want someone else doing those things. (Ahh, but a great vegetarian world cuisine low-fat chef, that would be wonderful!) I got the unfortunate impression as I grew up that household tasks were chores. Somehow I picked up that housework and other daily maintenance were not a “real” activities.

There was no joy or sense of accomplishment in housework. It was drudgery I had to get done so I could do something I enjoyed. I have carried that sense of housework as drudgery into my life and it has been regrettable. As soon as I started living on my own I realized that I was solely responsible for the maintenance of my surroundings. And I resented that once a task was finished, such as dusting, it would simply have to be done again. I was never DONE! As the years have progressed I have learned that I (as an adult) am also responsible for maintaining my health, my family’s health, friendships, relationships with family members, my car, etc.

In short, “Life is Maintenance”.

So, if life is maintenance and I’ve been taught that maintenance is just the stuff you have to do before you get to the real living, how much real living can I get to in a day, especially as a mommy? This negative view of the mundane has given me a lot of stress. I have been tempted to “enrich” my life and look outside of myself for the good stuff. The fact is that the good stuff, the real stuff, is in my sink. It is in the laundry pile. It is in my refrigerator and on my kitchen floor. It is in cutting my kids fingernails, shopping for their clothes and shoes, and arranging for their many classes and social visits. It can also be in classes or at my computer, but it is most real here in the dust bunnies under my bed.

Just as there is a heady excitement to infatuation, new people and career opportunities, the true sustained contentment in life comes from the everyday. It has been an ongoing challenge to give my children a sense of joy in maintenance, and I feel tremendously inept. I don’t believe in pretending with them about my feelings (I’m too transparent), so I’ve had to address my dread head on. But I have been buoyed by the belief that this is important to their well-being as adults: To see the rewards of a clean kitchen, stacks of neatly folded laundry, a shoveled driveway. And, thus, to learn that the kitchen gets dirtied, the laundry gets worn, more snow falls on the driveway. These repetitive tasks do teach us the “natural cycles of growth and decay”. We work a while, we play a while, we rest a while. Each activity is worthy, joyful and necessary to our well-being.

Written in 2007

I want to address the child who is avoidant. Elsa has assiduously avoided math. We have had many many moments of the two of us battling over this. I gave up, we hired tutors, worked with friends. Nothing has taken. But Elsa knows she must do some official math so she can get to where she wants to go in life. Next year she'll be addressing that at MCC. One could accuse her of being delayed, or us of being negligent, but I truly believe that Elsa's ability to
grasp spatial concepts is fine, she just doesn't compute well. She'll find a way to deal with this. (She seems to be doing fine with the cash register at Cold Stone Creamery.)

But Elsa's situation is different from a child who has "issues". I have seen children reluctant to take on writing because they weren't  comfortable with producing a a "less than perfect" product. This has more to do with personality than ability. Again, using Elsa as an example, despite the ridicule she has received for her abysmal (but vastly improved) spelling and grammar she has posted stories for family and friends, because she cannot stop herself from expressing
her ideas. She is compelled to write, so she doesn't care about the errors. (Sometimes they make the story more interesting!) Elsa is not shy about putting her ideas out in the world. A child who expresses that they find writing difficult or impossible may be struggling with the exposure of putting a part of themselves on paper. I know of one
child who wouldn't show her writing to friends or family, but had a large online community that she wrote very prolifically for. She needed the anonymity to feel safe expressing herself. Not because her family was unreceptive, but because of her own stuff (which she appears to have outgrown).

What I used to tell my kids when I "compelled" them to do things was "Please do this so I can feel comfortable with what we're doing about your education. This is because I need it, regardless of whether you feel the need to do it." This worked because I kept those items to a very small number and because my girls are generally pretty compliant,
even if they grumble the entire time they are complying. I do have to add that whenever I took on the demeanor of "we're having a wonderful learning moment!" my daughters ran away. They really did not like the idea of doing "fun learning activities". They really have enjoyed the times when I shared things that genuinely interested me, or that I
thought might genuinely interest them.

Written around 2006

I spend a lot of time with children who seem exceptional - how could it be that most of the children I know are "exceptional"? (It's like being in Lake Wobegon!)

So I've decided that most of these children are fortunate enough to be members of exceptional families. Their parents are at least one of the following: very well educated, very thoughtful, financially secure, very available for both quantity and quality time. Praising my girls for what appears to me to be their extraordinary gifts feels silly when they're surrounded by children with extraordinary gifts. And when my kids go out into the world they're going to be in settings where they will encounter other children who come from such blessed backgrounds. What gives them the chutzpah they'll need to feel they can hold their own out in the world? I don't think that believing you are a "good" or "worthy" person is enough. Every child needs to grow up knowing that they can meet a difficult task, struggle with frustration and hard work (emotional, physical or intellectual), and then be rewarded with the satisfaction of making it through to the end of the process with or without success. Sometimes failure is a worthy accomplishment. If they can learn that, then they will not fear encountering something they cannot do.

I think that is one of my most important roles for Maggie and Elsa is to be their cheerleader. As a cheerleader it doesn't make a lot of sense to tell the team that they are strong or that they can throw the ball better than anyone else. Cheerleaders tell the team to keep going, to keep pushing, to keep their eyes on the prize.

This week I had the privilege of talking with a wise mom whose two sons are now grown. The boys were not "easy" and all three of them made mistakes, but she talked about how she was careful to help her sons find their own goals and support them in working hard toward those goals. The rewards came not from her (the parent), but from making progress, reassessing, and continuing to work as the goals and paths changed. These men are so lucky to have such a cheerleader in their court!

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, August 2015

Prior to getting pregnant I had no need to interact with health care providers except for annual exams. More than 25 years ago, when I got the ecstatic news that my husband and I were going to have a baby, I was fortunate to be a relatively healthy person doing a very normal thing: growing and giving birth to a baby, but I was unprepared for the choices I needed to make about staying healthy and getting the best care possible during pregnancy.

According to Amy Haas, a Rochester-area independent childbirth educator for almost twenty years, "Pregnancy is a natural alternative state for a woman's body, but it does place stress on us.  So we have to work to stay healthy and low risk.  It is important to focus on what is in our control, such as diet, exercise, avoidance of harmful substances, and education."

Pregnancy and birth are not without their risks. Although deaths are rare, birth is still an event that carries us close to life and death consequences. Obstetric medical doctors and certified nurse midwives are trained to watch for risks and use interventions as needed.

However, unless the mother or baby is diagnosed with a health risk (such as diabetes or congenital malformations) most of the time these interventions are not required. Birth attendants can be trained to practice evidence-based care while they monitor the birthing mother, using interventions only when medically necessary. Avoiding unnecessary episiotomies, epidurals, vacuum extractions and c-sections helps to keep both baby and mother as healthy as possible as they enter the next phase of natural child-rearing: breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is more successful when mother can move around comfortably and baby is not drowsy. Some interventions (such as routine suctioning) can interfere with the baby’s instincts for sucking properly on the nipple.

Advocating for your baby’s optimal health begins as soon as the mother knows she is pregnant. Choosing a trusted care provider to guide the family through the natural process of bringing a new member into the world is the first of many choices that impact the long term health of the whole family. There is a lot of information to take in about the different styles of obstetric care during pregnancy and delivery.  Here are good places to start:

Rochester Area Birth Network: www.rabn.org

Evidence-Based Birth: evidencebasedbirth.com 

Written around 2006

New homeschoolers read a lot of books touting a certain kind of homeschooler: the child with a passion for music, rockets, lambs, computer games, etc. We're often told to wait and watch for our child to find their "thing" and then the high school years and college unfold easily. I've seen a lot of homeschoolers fall naturally into that pattern and it is wonderful to see them blossom in that way.

But not all people fit that pattern. Some kids reach a certain age and they realize that high school is perfect for them. Supporting our child's choices can be very challenging when they've chosen school. (And you thought you'd be challenged by hang gliding or scuba camp!)

So I guess I'd like to say that we need to know that our children won't all find a "thing" (although some of them will). They won't all be the perfect SAT taker, the musical prodigy, or the nationally ranked gymnast (although some of them will). Or, maybe their thing will be something of dubious impressiveness: a makeup artist, a soap opera writer, a mechanic. Are you prepared to honor your child's dream to become a cosmetologist? Or a juggler? Most of them will be ordinary people doing ordinary things. We're here to be sure they're doing whatever they do with joy in their hearts, without the burden of other's expectations, with a sureness of their own selves. For years that looked like playing dress-up at our house. Now it looks like two days of MCC, a part-time job, trips to the thrift store, karaoke, skiing, and making SNL spoofs called Wednesday Night Dead; all with a group of friends we've known for many years who push us to become better people, not better resumes. I know my girls will be works of progress when they are my age. They don't have to have all of the answers by 18, 25 or 45. I have great faith that they have the self-esteem and confidence to know where they want to be today and how to plan for a meaningful future as they figure out what that looks like. They are so far ahead of where I was at their age because they have some idea of who they are, not who everyone wants them to be.

As for high school: Maggie tried it for eight weeks and came home disgusted and ready for MCC. Other kids try it and love it. I found it a very valuable experience for both of my kids to explore this alien world and choose for themselves the place where they felt they functioned best.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, July 2015

A relatively new field within microbiology is the study of the human microbiome. While scientists have always known that bacteria, viruses and fungi were present in and on a healthy human body, science is now discovering the many ways that those organisms contribute to the function of the body, particularly the digestive tract, the immune system and the nervous system.

Our microbiome is our individual ecology – a living balance of coexisting creatures – and the state of balance or imbalance in that ecology can create a feeling of health or disease. In the normal human microbiome there are three times as many bacterial cells as human cells. Yes, for our 37 trillion human cells there are 100 trillion bacterial cells. And we are only just beginning to understand why we carry around 2.5 lbs. or 3 pints of microbes scattered throughout the body.

A baby’s incorporation of microbes into her body begins in the womb from the placenta. She is exposed to more microbes as she exits the birth canal, and then she gets another shot of microbes while breastfeeding (there are microbes that are only found on the nipple). She continues to acquire microbes as she meets new people and explores the world.

Antibiotics are medicines that kill bacteria. Prior to the discovery of antibiotics, common infections, such as a case of strep throat or a persistent boil on the skin, were life-threatening. Postpartum womb infections used to be the leading cause of maternal death before the discovery of antibiotics. These drugs were seen as miraculous because they were used to combat diseases that seemed hopeless before.

However, the overuse of antibiotics has caused drug-resistant bacteria and an imbalance in the human biome. If the baby’s mother has been given antibiotics, her microbiome may not contain microbes that used to be common. If the baby is given antibiotics, the baby’s microbiome may be stripped of microbes that manufacture valuable neurotransmitters (nervous system communication molecules) in the digestive tract. As the baby grows she may be exposed to antibiotics in meat (given to promote growth and prevent infection of the animal) that further challenge the balance of her microbiome.

Scientists are finding that microbial imbalances may cause obesity, colitis, colon cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, schizophrenia, Parkinson’s disease, anxiety and ulcers, among other diseases.

Now there are therapeutic uses of bacteria to rebalance or recolonize the human biome. Probiotics are supplements containing bacteria normally found in the body. Probiotics  are commonly used to try and bring the body back into microbial balance. There are even fecal transplants done to normalize bowels that have become overwhelmed with one bacteria, usually clostridium difficile.

For more information you can go to the website of the American Academy of Microbiology and read their FAQ on the human microbiome: academy.asm.org

Originally written in 2006

I would like parents to think about what it means to you to send your child to a selective college and what that means to your child (yes, even those of you with little ones; we all dream about the future). I would also like to suggest that attitudes about "appropriate" college choices are bound in family and peer culture. Bucking that culture requires a lot of work from infancy on and the college application process is a little late to try and go against the tide. Is an ivy-league destination your goal for your child? How will you feel if they either don't want that or can't achieve it? How will you handle your child's disappointment if they don't get into the school of their dreams? It wasn't long ago that homeschoolers miraculously got scholarships to elite schools because they brought "diversity" to the student body, but those days are over. Elite schools want our kids, but only after we've proven that they fit the school's mold. In an age that values standardization our square pegs must be shoved into round holes.

Perhaps if your child's peer group and/or family culture points to disappointment with anything less than a selective school, then testing and preparation appropriate to that track from an early age is called for. At my house we don't have that worry: Maggie and Elsa come from a long line of state unversity alumni who have done quite well without ivy league pedigrees, we didn't start homeschooling with an ivy league dream, and their peers haven't been ivy-bound (although a handful have gone to ivy league schools). I'm hoping that we can find the schools that will want them so that the girls are being pursued instead of being the pursuer. I'm looking forward to interviews because the openness and excitement for opportunity that comes from our kids isn't communicated in paperwork. Everyone is amazed at the level of conversation my kids engage in, but they don't have anything resembling a transcript. It would be fraud for me to try and pigeon hole what we've been doing into arbitrary classes and grades. Their MCC work will have to demonstrate their performance potential. If this means that the pool of colleges that are interested is limited, Kurt and I are OK with that. It has been worth the trade for our family, and ultimately I think my kids will agree.

Although some kids may be great test takers, I feel that in the current environment SATs and SAT IIs require lots of preparation. Maggie is taking the SAT because prior homeschoolers have found that it is required at schools she may apply to, and a lot of scholarship aid is tied to the SAT. So we are paying a tutor to help level the playing field for her. (I didn't know there were strategies for the SAT. I took two practice tests and showed up on the test day with a hangover. This was back when our farmtown teachers told us the tests were designed so that studying wouldn't give you an advantage!) I will strongly discourage Maggie from taking SAT IIs, especially if they are only required of homeschoolers.

Every college has its list of homeschooler horror stories. There is some prejudice out there that our kids are over-protected, hyper-achieving, socially delayed ultra nerds with overprotective, hovercraft, meddling, pathologically-attached moms. Let's keep those diplomat hats on and give them a different picture. Unschooling means that college choices are just one part of a long life of learning, don't let the anyone (including US News & World Report) tell you otherwise. It would be a shame to let those relatives win in the end after all those years of standing tough ("Yes, I'm certain she will use the potty/ wean/ read/ do some algebra someday.") Where our kids go to college is not our final grade as parents. Our relationship with our kids, their ability to realistically determine and satisfy their own needs, and our ability to grow beyond being homeschooling parents is my measure of success.

From 2008

Before my daughters began menstruating they would sweetly talk about how they would help me make pads for them to use when it was their turn. I even set aside some especially soft fabric for just that purpose. Of course, when they did begin menstruating they wanted nothing to do with cloth pads, and may still want nothing to do with them. However, as one friend shared with me a number of years ago, it can be surprising how many of our parents' ideas and values come to seem more comfortable and useful when we have families of our own. My friend talked about how she found herself craving the orderly home of her childhood, and was seeing freshly how important that was to her now, though it had seemed silly when she was young.

When I first started using cloth it was after I used cloth diapers for my babies. I figured if I could handle washing diapers I could handle washing pads. When I mentioned this to my mom, she was utterly repulsed. She talked about how wonderful it was for women to gain the option of disposable pads. How hard it was in the days before washers and dryers to "hide" the fact that you were menstruating, and that in the abject poverty of my grandmother's youth, using "rags" for menstrual protection didn't communicate value to the womanly body or processes. She really spat these words at me.

So I've approached cloth pads from the joy of having a choice. I think about my mom and my grandmother and how they saw this monthly process in the time before disposables and how grateful I am to be able to celebrate this part of myself, instead of trying to hide. Economically it makes a lot of sense to use cloth. I am recycling clothes and fabric that can no longer be used for their original purpose. I am honoring my plants with the ultimate fertilizer when I water then with the soaking water. But I can also use disposables when I feel the need to. And I have a washer and a dryer and lots of clean water.

When my daughters are in a place in their lives where cloth makes more sense to them, they will have grown up in a world where cloth was a choice, not a burden. I believe they'll be amused at how what once seemed so "gross" will seem matter-of-fact after caring for babies or elderly relatives, or after working in food service jobs (or, in my case, it was working on a dairy farm that got me comfortable with all sorts of waste).

So carry on! I have faith that some of the things they protest the hardiest will come back to them someday.

Originally published in Allens Creek Living, June 2015

The absolute foundation of good health is good food. In Rochester we benefit from having one of the finest grocery chains in the country, but I prefer going to the source of our good food when I can: to the farmers themselves.

Now that we are in June, the local outdoor farmer’s markets will be in full swing. As a lifelong Rochester resident I have watched CSAs (Community Supported Agriculture) form and town markets spring up. I belong to a CSA, but I also go to the market every week. Today most of the local towns have their own farmer’s markets, and Brighton’s is my favorite.

Through the summer months the Brighton Farmer’s Market (http://www.brightonfarmersmarket.org/)  is held in the Brighton High School parking lot, 1150 Winton Road South, Rochester 14618. Going to any farmer’s market can be a quick run to pick up eggs and salad greens, or it can be a leisurely morning stroll with a cup of coffee and breakfast bought from a vendor.

What I enjoy most is talking to the farmers themselves. All of the farmers at the Brighton Market are from the greater Rochester area and sell locally grown produce and meats. While I enjoy the hubbub of the Rochester Public Market, you need to be very careful not to end up with produce or other food grown in mysterious ways in faraway places. By talking with the vendors at the Brighton Farmer’s Market, you can know exactly how their products are grown, harvested and prepared for sale.

Perhaps you have seen the first episode of the television show Portlandia? In a satire of foodies, two characters go out to dinner, attempt to order chicken and then drive out to the farm to meet the farmer before they will eat their meal. While I don’t want to know the name of the chicken, turkey or pig I am buying to feed my family, I do want to know the farmer.

A farmer can tell me exactly what was used to fertilize the soil the plants grow in and how she manages common pests. He can tell me about what the animals are fed and how they are slaughtered and processed. And the farmers usually have some great cooking tips, too. Farmers are interesting people; they are choosing a lifestyle that is rare today, but used to be the way the majority of us lived.

I like knowing that my food didn’t have to travel far to get to me (saving fossil fuels), is very fresh (usually picked within the last 24 hours) and is allowing open farmland to continue beautifying our gorgeous Finger Lakes area. Oh, and eating with the season is good for me, too. Enjoy the bounty!